i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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