I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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