booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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