he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
