Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
