I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
