My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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