why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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