Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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