Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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