nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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