Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
