When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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