Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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