life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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