I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
