3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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