She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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