were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
