My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
