Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
