i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
