i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need a beard to bite.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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