apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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