I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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