Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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