i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
