You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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