Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
