Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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