doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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