Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
