Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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