i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
