True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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