Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
