Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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