Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
