I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize