I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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