My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
