I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
