Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
