i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
