no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
