I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
