Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize