Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
