In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
