I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
