I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize