she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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