you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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