upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
