how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
