i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
