Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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