how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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