Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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