he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
