And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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