Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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